Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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