I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
