I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies