conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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