I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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