I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
