They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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