We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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