I wannas sexs uuuuu
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
