I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
