She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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