can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
