Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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