And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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