sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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