I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
