everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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