He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
