i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
