Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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