thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Don't EVER smell your tampon
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
