I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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