If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
