"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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