I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
