does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Enjoy the penises
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
