You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
