Already got asked if we're dating
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
