it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
