i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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