just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
wanna go halves on a baby?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
