I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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