There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..