Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
