Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Small penises have feelings too.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
