when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
