is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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