I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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