he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
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She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
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Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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