Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
