He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
