I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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