mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My friends, they love my intelligence
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Randomize
