im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
