Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
