His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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