I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"