first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
When are your genitals available?