Pappa wants mamma naked
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
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Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
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I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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