Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"