Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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