my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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