He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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