Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
