I accidentally burped into my bong.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
