I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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