Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
