Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
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I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
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The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize